I Am Pagliacci

creative contentment

I’m a big fan of a musical artist named San Holo. Last week I revisited his 2021 album bb u ok? for the first time in about a year, and I was reminded of a bizarre track on the album called “the great clown Pagliacci”. It’s not really a “song” so much as a monologue put to a bit of music. Here are the “lyrics”:

A man went to the doctor one day
He said, "Doc, I, I don't know what to do
I don't know who to talk to, I'm completely depressed
I don't know what to do with my life, it's full of uncertainty
I wake up every day until
I just, I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel"

And the doctor said, "Well, it's great that you came in today of all days
Because the Great Clown Pagliacci is in town
And he has a show tonight and nobody ever goes to his
His live performance and doesn't leave
You know, completely full of life"

And the man burst into tears and the doctor said
"Well, what's wrong?" And he said
"Doctor, I am the Great Clown Pagliacci"

All alone
We're doing this all alone
All alone
When the lights come on, you'll be all alone

All alone
We're doing this all alone
All alone
When the lights come on, you'll be all alone

The story is originally from the comic The Watchmen, and even that is likely based on a much earlier story from the 1820s about “Grimaldi” the clown. This sad joke had a pretty long run as a meme throughout the 2010s, but doesn’t get as much play online as it used to.

I came across this track on the bb u ok? album and was struck by it because of how accurately it speaks to the inescapable hollow feeling that chases creators and entertainers as we pursue artistic and creative fulfillment. 

I think it’s important for anyone who is a Christian and also likes to create to remember that even the best feelings of creative fulfillment can’t fill the hollow feeling that only contentment in Christ can fill. No amount of page views, YouTube subscribers, book sales, audience members, or otherwise can satisfy our deepest longings. 

The doctor told the patient to go see Pagliacci because no one leaves his shows without being completely full of life.

But what about Pagliacci? Where does he go to have his heart encouraged?

The creator, the expert, the entertainer, the leader, has to look beyond him- or herself. 

No amount of creative or artistic fulfillment can ultimately satisfy the longing that only contentment in Christ can.