I have been accused, at times, of being overly critical.
For anyone who knows me this likely does not come as any kind of shock—perhaps if you know me, you’ve made such an accusation!
I own these accusations, and I think—by the grace of God—this is an area in which I have grown in the last decade or so. I have shed some significant portion of my critical spirit in favor of more grace. I think most people who know me today and also knew me in 2016 would say I am far less critical today than I was then.
Of course this doesn’t mean I’m no longer critical at all—I definitely am—I just wield critique a bit less recklessly and frequently than I did before. I try to aim my critiques toward constructive change. I still have plenty of room to grow, but according to a handful of people close to me, I have made progress in this area.
I can’t point to any single reason I’ve become less critical over the years. Surely the Holy Spirit has helped, convicting my heart in times of Bible reading and prayer (and through friends). Some of my growth is probably attributable to general maturity—as one ages he tends to get less fiery, I think. And no small portion of it can likely be credited to becoming the father of two young girls in the last six years. I would say being a girl dad has softened me more than just about anything—the Holy Spirit has certainly used this in his molding of my heart.
But I think there’s something about critical people that non-critical people may not know. Something about these critical people that doesn’t excuse their sinful criticism, but may help provide some context for it.
A lot of people like me, who are quick to critique and be critical of others, are firstly and most harshly critical of themselves.
My Self-Critical Spirit
I hold myself to an unrealistically high standard in too many respects, far too often. And I’m hard on myself when I come up short of those unrealistic expectations, in whatever sphere they may be.
For instance last year around this time I began to try to lose some weight, which I needed and wanted to do. My goal was to lose something like 30 pounds between my August annual physical and a weigh-in appointment I scheduled with my physician in February, an appointment I asked to set just to keep myself accountable.
In those six months, I lost something like 27 pounds, give or take. Not bad! I felt better, fit into my clothes better, and was overall a more healthy person.
Oh, but I was so mad at myself. I showed up to that February check-in totally defeated and of the mind that I may as well have not even tried—which, of course, isn’t true. But it took me weeks to come to terms with the fact that I had made great progress despite not meeting my arbitrary goal, and that I could continue to do the hard work of getting fit even once the check-in had passed.
This is just one example of how I hold myself to a standard, realistic or not, and beat myself up about it when I don’t meet it, no matter how much good I managed to do in the process.
In Slow Productivity Cal Newport writes:
Obsession requires you to get lost in your head, convinced that you can do just a little bit better given some more time. Greatness requires the ability to subsequently pull yourself out of your self-critical reverie before it’s too late.
I am obsessed with succeeding in the areas of life most important to me, and it can be difficult for me to pull myself out of my self-critical spiral before it’s too late, and I lose the motivation to keep improving.
This is true in work. This is true in attempts at fitness. This is true in my writing. This is true in discipleship, unfortunately!
G. K. Chesterton once quipped, while critiquing another, “No reader can accuse me here of trying to make a fool of him; I am the fool of the story, and no rebel shall hurl me from my throne!”1
I can still be too critical of others, even as I grow in grace, and I can still be far too critical of myself, too.
If you find yourself in a similar state, let me briefly encourage you with truths that have encouraged me.
Gospel Truths for the Critical Spirit, of Self or Otherwise
Before you go, here are five gospel truths I try to preach to myself when I feel overcome with a critical spirit, whether that critical spirit is directed at my own shortcomings or another’s.
1. God’s judgment of me outranks my own.
“It is of little importance to me that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I don’t even judge myself. For I am not conscious of anything against myself, but I am not justified by this. It is the Lord who judges me.”
1 Corinthians 4:3-4
“This is how we will know that we belong to the truth and will reassure our hearts before him whenever our hearts condemn us; for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows all things.”
1 John 3:19-20
2. My standing rests on Christ’s performance, not my performance.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.”
Romans 8:1
“He made the one who did not know sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”
2 Corinthians 5:21
“More than that, I also consider everything to be a loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of him I have suffered the loss of all things and consider them as dung, so that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own from the law, but one that is through faith in Christ—the righteousness from God based on faith.”
Philippians 3:8-9
3. God is gentler and more gracious with me than I am of myself.
“As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him. For he knows what we are made of, remembering that we are dust.”
Psalm 103:13-14
“He will not break a bruised reed, and he will not put out a smoldering wick; he will faithfully bring justice.”
Isaiah 42:3
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
4. Sanctification is God’s work on God’s timeline.
“I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 1:6
“Therefore, my dear friends, just as you have always obeyed, so now, not only in my presence but even more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to his good purpose.”
Philippians 2:12-13
“We all, with unveiled faces, are looking as in a mirror at the glory of the Lord and are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory; this is from the Lord who is the Spirit.”
2 Corinthians 3:18
5. God’s power shows up in weakness, not perfection.
“But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Praise God for his faithfulness and goodness to us, even as we wrestle with the brokenness within ourselves and that we see throughout all creation. May he help us be gracious with ourselves and others, as he has been with us in Christ.
Orthodoxy, 214.