5 Instructive Quotes From The Anxious Generation

If you're a parent, buy Jonathan Haidt's newest book today.

A while back I received Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation on its release day, and I read it in a weekend. I loved the book, which was no surprise to me. I think Haidt is doing some of the most important work around right now when it comes to understanding and explaining how different aspects of internet technology are affecting people in general and young people in specific.

At the core of the book are four cultural norms that he suggests should be broadly implemented in American culture:

Haidt’s Four Cultural Norms

1. No smartphones before high school. Parents should delay children's entry into round-the-clock internet access by giving only basic phones (phones with limited apps and no internet browser) before ninth grade (roughly age 14).

2. No social media before 16. Let kids get through the most vulnerable period of brain development before connecting them to a firehose of social comparison and algorithmically chosen influencers.

3. Phone-free schools. In all schools from elementary through high school, students should store their phones, smartwatches, and any other personal devices that can send or receive texts in phone lockers or locked pouches during the school day. That is the only way to free up their attention for each other and for their teachers.

4. Far more unsupervised play and childhood independence. That's the way children naturally develop social skills, overcome anxiety, and become self-governing young adults.

As I said above, those four cultural norms are sort of the core “call” at the heart of the book. However, I made a ton of underlines throughout the book, and I’d like to share just five of those with you here. I provide a bit of commentary for each. (Any bolding in the block quotes below is from me, not Haidt.)

Meanwhile, just go ahead and order the book here. Especially if you are a parent or responsible for the well-being of young people in any way.

1. Children Left Defenseless

I think the last sentence in this quote is the operative one, and perhaps one of the biggest obstacles we face to properly caring for young people in an internet world: are we willing to inconvenience adults for the good of our children? Because many of the changes we may need to pursue in order to help children may make life more complicated for adults. It’s a sacrifice we must be willing to make.

Over the course of many decades, we found ways to protect children while mostly allowing adults to do what they want. Then quite suddenly, we created a virtual world where adults could indulge any momentary whim, but children were left nearly defenseless. As evidence mounts that phone-based childhood is making our children mentally unhealthy, socially isolated, and deeply unhappy, are we okay with that trade-off? Or will we eventually realize, as we did in the 20th century, that we sometimes need to protect children from harm even when it inconveniences adults?

2. Embodied Creatures

No comment here other than to say Haidt is spot-on.

We are embodied creatures; children should learn how to manage their bodies in the physical world before they start spending large amounts of time in the virtual world.

3. Fake Accounts Galore

This is a staggering peek into a disheartening conversation.

One way that companies get more users is by failing to enforce their own rules prohibiting users under 13. In August 2019, I had a video call with Mark Zuckerberg, who, to his credit, was reaching out to a wide variety of people, including critics. I told him that when my children started middle school, they each said that most of the kids in their class (who were 10 or 11 at the start of sixth grade) had Instagram accounts. I asked Zuckerberg what he planned to do about that. He said, "But we don't allow anyone under 13 to open an account." I told him that before our call I had created a fake account for a fictional 13-year-old girl and I encountered no attempt to verify my age claim. He said, "We're working on that." While writing this chapter (in August 2023), I effortlessly created another fake account. There is still no age verification, even though age verification techniques have gotten much better in the last four years nor is there any disincentive for preteens to lie about their age.

4. Stuck Racehorses

I am a parent to young children, and much of Haidt’s commentary on parenting throughout the book was convicting for me in the best way. I loved this bit here.

Re-normalizing childhood independence requires collective action, and collective action is most easily facilitated by local schools. When an entire class, school, or school district encourages parents to loosen the reins, the culture in that town or county shifts. Parents don't feel guilty or weird about letting go. Hey, it's homework, and all the other parents are doing it too. Pretty soon, you've got kids trick-or-treating on their own again, and going to the store, and getting themselves to school.

Our kids can do so much more than we let them. Our culture of fear has kept this truth from us. They are like racehorses stuck in the stable.

It's time to let them out.

5. Children Need Real Relationships

Again, convicting in the best way. We must not optimize our children, and we must practice what we preach.

Many of the best adventures are going to happen with other children in free play.

And when that play includes kids of mixed ages, the learning is deepened because children learn best by trying something that is just a little beyond their current abilities— in other words, something a slightly older kid is doing. Older kids can also benefit from interacting with younger kids, taking on the role of a teacher or older sibling. So, the best thing you can do for your young children is to give them plenty of playtime, with some age diversity, and a secure loving base from which they set off to play.

As for your own interactions with your child, they don't have to be "optimized." You don't have to make every second special or educational.

It's a relationship, not a class. But what you do often matters far more than what you say, so watch your own phone habits. Be a good role model who is not giving continuous partial attention to both the phone and the child.

You can get The Anxious Generation here.